


Wishful thinking...

by Ruquas



Series: Clint Barton Bingo [24]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Depressing, Gen, Missing Scene, Self-Hatred, asthesayinggoesbingo, clintbartonbingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 06:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20110960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruquas/pseuds/Ruquas
Summary: Lila, who would never understand what happened the last years. Would never be able to grasp what a monster he had become. Would never be able to see that it was always his fault because for her, her Daddy was the best man on earth. Would always be. Because she was a little girl who didn’t knew better.





	Wishful thinking...

With tired eyes, he looked at the man in the mirror. Nothing had changed but then, everything had changed. Everything went wrong. 

And no matter how illogical it was, it still felt like it was his fault. Because he was greedy. Because he couldn‘t be happy with the things he had. And now, he lost everything and nothing.

The first time he got greedy was, when he wished that something exciting would happen. Something interesting. Anything. And because of that, Coulson had to die. Twice. Because if Clint wouldn‘t have wished for something _exciting_ that day, then Loki wouldn‘t have stolen the Tesseract. Coulson would still be alive. He would be happy. But because Clint got greedy, Coulson died. And if he hadn‘t died because Clint got greedy, no one would have to resurrect him. He wouldn‘t have died that second time.

And then he had wished that this kid would just stay still. Just for a fucking second, wouldn‘t vibrate with the energy of a five year old. Sure, he hadn‘t wished for the eight bullets in the kids chest, but he got what he wished for. The kid stopped moving.

Then he had wished for his life to be a little more calm, to have more time for his family. He never meant to participate in a fucking war between superheroes because _he just wasn‘t one_. He was a guy with a bow and a stick to shoot. But yeah, he got his downtime, got the time for his family that he had wished for. He couldn‘t leave farther than the nearest town to get groceries, and he hated that with a passion, but he got what he had wished for.

And when he _finally_ cracked and hoped that there would be something, anything happening, anything to just leave this farm, this town, the fucking county, half of humanity vanished. His _family_ just vanished, off to god knows where. Well, he could leave the farm because the agents that where watching him also vanished.

He did everything to ignore the fact that it was his fault. Tried to protect the other half of humanity. Tried to protect the children that were still there. Tried to get rid off the filth that sadly hadn‘t vanished. But he wanted them back. He desperately wished that he could have his family back.

This wish cost him more than anything. Cost him the only thing next to his family that had always been there, the only person that never asked questions he couldn‘t answer because _she knew_. She just sacrificed herself, telling him his family was more important. He got what he wanted. He got his family back. Got humanity back. He didn‘t get Natasha back, the only person that had always been there for him for the last almost three fucking decades.

And then Tony had talked. Had talked how they could defeat Thanos, could save humanity, could save everyone and Clint just wanted him to shut up. Just for one short minute. And just because Clint couldn‘t handle it, earth has lost it‘s greatest defender. The only man that always did everything to protect her. The man that died to protect the earth. Just because Clint wanted a few minutes of silence.

A knocking sound ripped him out of his thoughts.

„Dad? We‘re starting in a few minutes.“

Lila. Beautiful, wonderful, innocent Lila. Lila, who would never understand what happened the last years. Would never be able to grasp what a monster he had become. Would never be able to see that it was always his fault because for her, her Daddy was the best man on earth. Would always be. Because she was a little girl who didn’t knew better.

But Clint had killed the best man on earth. And now he stood here, wallowing in self pity while Tony Starks family mourned.

Sometimes, he wished that everything would have never happened. That everything would be okay again, that he just could… fix it.

But then, he learned to be careful what to wish for. Who knew what he had to sacrifice the next time.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the clintbartonbingo and the as-the-saying-goes-bingo, both can be found at Tumblr and on AO3.
> 
> You can find [my Tumblr here](https://ruquas-dreambell.tumblr.com/). If you have a request or anything, just let me know it there :)


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